Albert Einstein

was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again in different meetings, so one night after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, ‘I’ve heard your speech so many times that I know it word for word. Why don’t you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?’ Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur’s uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.

He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.

The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, ‘This question is very easy. I will let my chauffeur answer it.’

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along his route.
No problems for the first few stops — a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.

The next day, the same thing happened — Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong — what’s more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “Oh yeah? And why not?”

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,
“I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the crowd says,

“There’s a calendar behind you.”

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.