1- I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2- Sometimes, I roll my eyes out loud.

3- I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

4- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5- The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

6- When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.

7- The day the world runs out of Pie is just too terrible to think about.

8- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

10- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

11- When the kids text me Plz,” which is shorter than please, I text back No,” which is shorter than Yes.”

12- At my age, “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

13- I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!